Holidays, Grief and Children

The first holidays after a loved one dies can leave us confused. We have never had a holiday like this one and are wondering how we can manage. Children are a special concern at Christmas. Many adults tell us that the children are the reason they are celebrating this year. Although it may be a sad time, children still need what they always need and that is a lot of love and reassurance. It also helps to keep their routines as normal as possible, bringing stability to the confusing emotions grief creates. They need to know that they are as special as the person who died.

The following is a list of suggestions only. Check with your family, choose together and don’t try to do all of them. Remember that grief is an individual response. Be sensitive to what you and your children want and don’t want. Above all, try to relax; give and receive as many hugs as you can and know that as surely as this holiday will come…it will also go. You can also find more general information about dealing with the holidays on our Holiday page.

• Reserve a special shelf or part of a wall for putting up remembrances of the person who died. Let the children purchase or make a small present and hang it on the wall or place on the shelf.

• Purchase a special candle to represent the loved one and light it on all special occasions. This can be a focusing point when the day gets busy with family and friends who many not know what to say or do---you will know that that candle is a symbol of love shared.

• If you put up a tree, place your loved ones ornament on the tree or designate one or several special ornaments in honor of the one who died.

• Hanging a stocking for your loved one who died. Let everyone put something special in it that reminds them of him or her. Read or show them after dinner or before opening presents.

• Saying that you miss the person who died and that this holiday is sad for you, this will not be a surprise to your loved ones, but you will have given permission for others to say what they are feeling or thinking. Those around you may be in to “not saying” for fear of making you sad. After you share, you may find it a little easier to move into the events of the day.

Whatever you choose to do remember to involve even the youngest children in a part of your planning. Difficult as it is to manage Christmas with and for children, many parents have told me how much it all meant to them when everything was said and done. In all my years of working with children, I have seen how many times a child’s simple faith of the simple truths of a child’s storybook brought more comfort and strength to adults than all the “adult works” I might have used.

GIFTS for Grieving KIDS

Some suggestions for gifts for that very special child…

• A journal for writing private thoughts

• Piece together fabric or clothing of their loved one, and make a special quilt, pillow or teddy bear

• A tape recorder to record feelings or memories

• A pad of drawing paper and new markers or crayons

• A pillow fight

• An especially cuddly stuffed animal—big enough for hugs

• Something their loved one might have given them

• Karate or gymnastics lessons

• An afternoon, spent doing things that they want to do, together

• A photo of their loved one, in a frame or in the front page of a blank scrapbook for them to fill with memories

• A handwritten story about their loved one

• A cherished possession of their loved one

• Help in planting a tree of flower bulbs in memory of their loved one

• Your Love