COPING WITH THE HOLIDAYS

Click here to view a recent KTUU News feature on coping with grief during the holidays (video will launch in new window).

A note from Leah, the woman featured in the video:

I have a family picture taken in Jan. 05 that I wanted to put on my Christmas card the next year. My husband was suddenly dead a month later – the father of my children.

After you lose a loved one there is a huge hole in your world, yourself, your family, your home, and your life. My side of the family is all out of state and my husband was an only child. I am left to pick up the pieces and to continue raising my children, running a house, working, etc. Hospice helped me so much during the holiday season in having their yearly event where they talk about coping with loss during the holidays.

One thing they suggested doing that really helped me was writing a letter to my husband. It was very hard to do that first year and I really cried and cried, but it was a good exercise. I wrote one last year again and still cried, and I plan to write another one this year. Lisa Fleischer is such a comfort at Hospice and going to her meetings was helpful. Going to other grief meetings in the community and knowing that you are not alone is also helpful.

Keep your Christmas simple. If you don’t feel like going shopping or doing cards – don’t do them. Try to have some fun. Try to laugh again. Do what comforts you – being around friends, family, go to church, do hobbies, etc. Start a new tradition. Pamper and be good to yourself.

Lastly, courage, faith and strength will get you through that first year of holidays, birthdays and anniversaries and it will get somewhat easier the following years.

Do something meaningful

Celebrate the memory of your loved one in a meaningful way. Add a special ornament to your tree. Light a candle on a table with a photo of your loved one nearby. Buy a gift for a needy child, or make a donation to a worthwhile cause in the name of your family member or friend.

Do it easy

Shop from catalogs. Give gift certificates. Bake only one type of cookie. Buy ready-made desserts. Go out to a friend’s home for dinner. Set up a table-top tree. Send notes rather than letters.

Do better than just survive

While grieving, we may feel guilty if we have any fun or light moments. Remember that your love is not measured by the extent of your grief. Death teaches us that life is precious and to be lived to the fullest. Don’t deny yourself the simple pleasures of the season. There are some things that you can enjoy, and your loved one would want you to celebrate.

Remembering Your Loved One

Do include the deceased in your conversations and celebrations. Hang a stocking for your loved one in which people can put notes with their thoughts or feelings. Look at photographs. Recognize your loved one’s presence in the family: burn a candle, play their favorite music, once others realize that you are comfortable talking about your loved one, they can relate stories that will add to your pleasant memories.

Don’t be afraid to express your feelings. Holidays often magnify feelings of loss of a loved one. It is important and natural to experience the sadness that comes. To block such feelings is unhealthy. Allow people to comfort you. Some people fear crying in public, especially at religious services. It is usually better not to push the tears down any time. You should be gentle with yourself and not expect too much of yourself. Worrying about crying is an additional burden. If you let go and cry, you probably will feel better. It should not ruin the day for other family members, but will provide them with the same freedom.

Do remember that often after the first year the people in your life may expect you to be over it. We are never over it but the experience of many bereaved is that eventually they enjoy the holidays again. Hold on to HOPE.

Suggestions:

1. Focus your celebrations on winter: go to a mountain lodge, go sledding or skiing, or just take a walk in the woods, time out to enjoy what nature has to offer this season. Give yourself permission to celebrate in different ways.

2. Baking and cleaning the house can get out of proportion. If these chores are enjoyable, go ahead, but not to the point that it is tiring. Either buy baked goods or go without this year.

3. If you used to cut your own tree, consider buying it already cut this year. Let your children, other family members, neighboring teens, friends, or people from your church help with the decorating of the tree and house. If you choose not to have a tree this year, get a ceramic tree or a small table-top tree.

4. One possibility for the first year may be to visit relatives, friends, or even go away on a vacation. Planning, packing, etc. keeps your mind somewhat off the holiday and you share the time in a different and hopefully less painful setting.

5. If shopping seems to be too much, have your relative or close friend help you. Consider shopping through a catalogue.

6. Re-examine your priorities: Consider changing your habits of the holiday: time of meal, who prepares what, buffet or served meal. Try attending religious services at a different time or place.

7. Cut back on your card sending. It is not necessary to send cards; especially to those people we will see over the holidays.

8. Do something for someone else, such as volunteer work at soup kitchens or visit the lonely and shut-ins. Ask someone who is alone to share the day with your family. Provide help for a needy family.

9. Donate a gift or money in your loved one’s name.

Don’t forget, anticipation of the holiday is so much worse than the actual holiday.

Do keep in mind that the experiences of many bereaved persons is that they do come to enjoy holidays again. There will be other holiday seasons to celebrate.

Don’t be afraid to have fun. Laughter and joy are not disrespectful. Give yourself and your family members permission to celebrate and take pleasure in the holidays.

HOW TO HELP OURSELVES THROUGH THE HOLIDAYS

Family get-togethers will be different

Do be honest with each other about your feelings. Share your concerns, feelings, apprehensions, etc. with a relative or friend as the holiday approaches. Tell them that this is a difficult time for you. Accept their help. You will appreciate their love and support at this time.

Do sit down with your family and decide what you want to do for the holiday season.

Don’t set expectations too high for yourself or the day. If you wish things to be the same, you are going to be disappointed.

Do things a little differently. Undertake only what each family member can handle comfortably.

Do give yourself and everyone else permission to feel less than perfect. Recognize that the holiday isn’t “ruined” just because someone gets angry or upset, your family is simply doing what it’s always done – acting like a family.

Do expect the holidays to serve as quality time for relationships. You can’t heal all wounds, grief or losses but the holiday can be a meaningful time of caring and love.

There is no right or wrong way to handle the day.

Do be open, and respond positively to change in other family members. Some may wish to follow family traditions, while others may choose to change.

Do try to be flexible about the way things are done.

Do build some change into family rituals or create new rituals.

Do recognize that no one can live up to our expectations for a Holiday. Most of us carry around a heavily romanticized picture of the holiday and feel we must relentlessly convey warmth, brightness and good feeling. It’s not possible!

Do keep in mind the feelings of your children and family members. Try to make the holiday season as joyous as possible for them.

Do recognize how difficult and important holidays are to kids.

It is better to do what is most helpful for you and your family.  

Do be careful of “shoulds”. If a situation looks especially difficult over the holidays, don’t get involved if possible.

Do plan for the difficult moments.

Do set limitations. Realize that it isn’t going to be easy.

Do the things that are very special and/or important to you.

Once you have made the decision on the role you and your family will play during the holidays:

Do plan to be with the people YOU enjoy.

Do know what you choose to do the first year, this year, you don’t have to do next.

Do remember that this will be emotionally, physically, and psychologically draining. You need every bit of strength. Try to get enough rest.

Tips for Coping with the Holidays

1. Remember your loved one by:

Giving a holiday donation in their memory

Decorate the grave or memorial site

Release a balloon, name a star, light a candle, plant a tree/bush/perennial plant

Share your mementos or memory box with family or special friends

2. Take care of yourself

Plan relaxation time, warm baths, watch movies, listen to music or tapes

Read the book you’ve always wanted to read

Exercise, get plenty of sleep and fluids, eat well

Write in a journal, talk with your family and friends about your feelings on the holiday.

*keep a holiday diary of how the family is doing

3. Limit social gatherings

Choose the ones you feel give you the holiday spirit

Choose not to attend some gatherings or to leave holiday functions early

Be mindful of your children’s needs

4. Holidays

Limit decorating to what you and your family feel is important

Card: Send preprinted cards, add a memorial service card, photocopy a letter,

or choose not to send cards this year

Avoid shopping on weekends, shop by catalog, ask family to help

Give gift certificates or money, have the store wrap gifts, or have your children

do the wrapping

Open presents on a different day or at a different time

Have a stocking, ornament, poinsettias, Christmas cactus in memory of your

loved one

5. Holiday Traditions

Sharing the day:

Spend the day alone or with family only

Share the day with another family who is grieving

Visit a shut-in

Baking

Buy ‘holiday treats’

Limit the quantity of baking

Have family/friends help with baking

Meals

Go out to a restaurant

Have others share in meal preparation

Ask someone else to host the meal

Eat at a different time

Have a different menu, create a different setting

Services

Attend at a different time

Attend a different church